I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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