remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
