When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
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