If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
