Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
HELP! I am trapped in a douchebag ad... full of Affliction and Ed Hardy. Seriously? is he gonna leave his sunglasses on the entire 10 seconds of this encounter?
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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