I met the friendliest cop last night
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
