Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
