new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
pop tarts are not kleenex
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
