I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
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