you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
