If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Randomize
