you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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