Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Randomize
