Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Randomize
