Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
her facebook's as public as her vagina
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Randomize
