You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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