I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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