he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
I checked into jail on foursquare
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
