I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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