you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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