God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize