I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize