Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Randomize
