oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Randomize
