I think I won the penis lottery.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
