she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize