True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
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