He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
