there was a trapeze. enough said
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Randomize
