I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
He felt like a one man threesome
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
