she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I cut my penus on the lid.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
