JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
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