Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
