He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I deserve this hangover.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Randomize
