I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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