I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
