I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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