My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
