some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
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