for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Randomize
