forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Randomize
