I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Randomize