he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
