I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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