a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
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