All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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