Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Randomize
