we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
