Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
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