I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
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