I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
Couch. On fire.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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