Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
My underwear smells like fireworks.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
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