trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize
