Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
