I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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