Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Randomize
