can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Randomize
