she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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