Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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