yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
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