Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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