im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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