Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
